Parental Grief Research Study

by Shirley Patterson
(Michigan)

Shirley's Survey is now complete, and if you would like to find out more you can contact her at her website: http://www.thepattersoncenter.com

My name is Shirley Patterson and I am a Master Degree student conducting a research study on PARENTAL GRIEF. There are many aspects to grief which touch each of us in many different ways. I am looking to explore PARENTAL GRIEF as it relates to a child's death and also PARENTAL GRIEF as it relates to having a child with disabilities.

I am in need of participants, mothers AND fathers,(So far the men are under represented) who have had a child die between the ages of birth and 21. Grief has no time frame, but for the purpose of this study, I need to set up parameters.

If you, or anyone you may know, would be interested in participating in this study, please send an email to:

griefresearch@thepattersoncenter.com

A consent form will be emailed upon request.

Years ago, before the internet and support groups, my mother experienced the loss of her son, and I the loss of my brother, to suicide. No one talked about it back then. We mourned in solitude. Please share your experiences so that others like you will know they are not alone.

Thank-you so much for your support!

Shirley Patterson
www.thepattersoncenter.com

Fear of losing another

by Pam Montambo
(Shelby, MI USA)

My husband and I lost our 19 year old son, Keith, on November 13, 2004. Keith died of a drug overdose, but you see, we didn't know he was using drugs.

The day of Keith's funeral our daughter (Keith's sister and only sibling) found out that she and her husband were going to have a baby, our first grandchild. How terribly hard those months were for both Jennifer and I. She wanted me to be happy about the coming of my first grandchild and all I could do was grieve for Keith. I was so afraid this baby would be a boy and look like Keith. Luckily it was a girl. Two years later I did have to face the idea of a little boy. After kissing my new grandson, I walked out into the waiting room and cried.

It is now four years after Keith's death and I have a granddaughter and grandson. They bring me so much joy but they also bring so much fear. I am always afraid that something will happen to one of them and I would have to see my daughter go through the hell that I did. Our granddaughter was missing last summer for about an hour. She had walked out of her yard and across an open country field. All I could do while driving to be with my daughter was to yell at God, telling him that he couldn't take my grandchild away from me, that he couldn't do this to me again. I don't know if I will ever get over this feeling. Losing a child is so great a pain that never goes away. Sitting here typing about Keith and how I feel, I am crying. After four years, I am still crying. I am still afraid.

A Sister Robbed From Me!!!

by Gabriele
(Northcote, Vic, Australia)

October 3rd, 1987, 04.14am,
Northcote, Melb. Australia

I was awoken by the terrifying screams of a Mother, "Pina, Pina" she screamed.

Within a blink, my life changed forever. As I investigate the commotion I know fully well what was at hand, my sister Pina battling another asthma attack.

By now as I laid eyes on her, Dad applying CPR, my brother Pat preparing oxygen mask, mum waiting for the Ambo all the while screaming her name in the hope her screams will awaken her from this nightmare, I stood motionless aware all hope was gone, surreal to feel all this in a blink of an eye.

It was too late.

So brave my sister was, she often felt them coming on, and would try and fight it head on, almost willing herself to beat it and not let it dictate her plight....
A fighter she was, my sister who I looked up to for hope, being ripped away from us....

At 18yrs of age, too young for her to be gone. To say how brave she was is easy, to explain how special she was always breaks me. Should have been me that was taken, or at least I wished, in order she lived to be all she could be...

She wanted to help others, speech pathology or medicine, and how great she would've been. Yet ripped away from us, again, in the blink of an eye.

To say I still grieve is normal, as everyday those images haunt me. I lost my drive, my hope and my childhood, as after this I worried for my parents and made sure I stayed close, while my mates played in the park.

Don't get me wrong, as I'm blessed with great relatives, who comforted and cared, but the feeling always is, like being in a large crowded city and still feeling like you're all alone. Like feeling lonely in a crowded room.

Yes, Fear became my mistress, shutting everyone out to hide this feeling.

She'd be looking down thinking, get on with it, as she hated fuss, but easier to mourn than to drum up the energy to move on.

Yes, grieving is a process, cried many nights and learned to except it as, just life... But to see your parents, both loving and true, wither away and disheveled, just eats away at my soul. I have learned to love the good things and deal with the crap, as bad as I may feel, there's always someone worse off.

Sis, I know your up in heaven watching over us,
please understand we just miss and love you so bloody much.... Although 21 years have passed, like yesterday do those images survive.

To all others suffering, please know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!, please o please talk to someone or maybe even write them down.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! Each day, each hour, each second, someone out there feels what we feel, so often does this afflict the human condition, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! We are here with you..... Never deny your feelings, never be shy to voice them, for others to relate to you they need to understand what you endure...

I hope my words help someone, as I know plenty suffer, I hope and pray you keep your head up, and always true to your heart....

Regards,
Gabe Tascone