Separation Anxiety causes behavioural problems, and stems from Fear

Back to Articles Main Page

Separation anxiety is a fear too vulnerable to bear, This fear can be perceived or real and is responsible for all challenging behaviors in our children and in all relationships in adults. This fear of separation, continues to create chaos in families chaos in relationships, and the good news is, that once we become aware of this fear, we can change everything, as we change our reaction to each and every situation.

An important point to remember is that we all grow older, but this doesn't mean we've grown up.

Understand the attachment theory is important because it helps us understand that many of the behaviors we may see in either a child or adult, are not always intentional. They are actually a natural biological reaction to the situation and how they perceive it. The behavior is actually a form of communication, and for a parent, or teacher, and even a partner or spouse, learning to look past the behavior to the real cause can create a lasting and a positive outcome. So the behavior can be seen in a very different perspective. We can learn to see it with new eyes. As Dr. Gordon Neufeld says, "We learn to walk the maze." We can begin to look at each person as individuals, with their own unique personalities. We can begin to value their qualities, rather than labeling them, or discarding them based on their behaviors.

As a parent it is important to understand this, and to know that "it is never too late."As teachers, it is important to remember this, because whether a child is the primary grades, or senior grades, it is never too late to establish a relationship based on healthy attachment. As a teacher never give up on anyone.

Every single human being has the need to feel attached to another human being. There are no exceptions to this rule. This is instinctual by nature, and it is the driving force in the lives of everyone at any age.

This attachment will occur either in a healthy way with the adults in a child's life or in an unhealthy way to their peers.Understanding the theory of attachment, and recognizing challenging behavior as a symptom of this fear of separation, would change the way we handle the behaviors.

If we understood this very simple concept, rather than continuing to reinforce the fear by separating the child, or wanting to over power them with our authority, we would begin to find new ways to create a safe environment from which our children could grow.We would do everything in our power to establish a relationship, and form an attachment. When someone is attached to us, they want to please us, they want to make us proud, and they want our approval. Remember this very important piece on attachment.

All behavior, is a form of communication. It is all a cry for help or a plea for love. When in doubt always assume a fear of separation. Knowing this, how would you approach the situation differently? This is where you would have to see what is happening with new eyes, and yes find new ways to build a relationship based on respect and unconditional love, rather than based on the behavior at hand.

If we can look at the challenging behavior as somehow being a perceived or real fear of being separated from the attachment to those we love, we would join and come along side. We would understand counter will, and we would parent and teach in new ways. By understanding how this fear of separation is responsible for all "problem behaviors" we would begin to see how so many of the "acceptable consequences" are in fact reinforcing this fear. We would stop watching the Nanny on T.V., because again the Nanny may be getting rid of the behavior however, it may only be suppressed.

When we can fully grasp the attachment theory and understand that the instinctual reactions are not personal, we change our reactions. Understanding how many behaviors were formed institutionally as a fight or flight survival, during the developmental stages, not only things begin to make more sense, it will help help with the way we parent and the way we teach.

Continuing to approach these matters the way we are currently doing, continues to create more of the same, because it reinforces this fear and creates an instinctual sense to attach to who ever notices.

For several generations children have been attaching to their peers. Since we are also a generation who recognize this theory based on our own growth, it may be a challenge, or it may be very easy to recognize, and understand the feelings to share with your children.

Thoughts to ponder

It is our responsibility to create a healthy and nurturing attachment with our children. Many people believe that if children had a strong attachment to their parents, there would be no need to worry about strangers, because a child would never make themselves vulnerable.

As parents, we do push our children out before they are ready.No matter how old our children may be, we can always take back our role, and parent with love.

Very Important to Remember

As parents or teachers we have no right to blame anyone. We all need to understand that we too have had our own fear of separation during our own developmental stages to one extent or the other. We have done the best we knew how.

In order to help our children we must do our own work.

"The goal is to work towards removing the real or perceived fear of separation and creating a relationship based on unconditional love."