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Growing Yourself Up

Death & Grieving

Speak UP & Stand UP

What Is Your Purpose?

Inspirations Are Prayers

Links to Unconditional Love

Remembering Grief and the gifts from Our Personal Experiences

REMEMBERING GRIEF.....

It has been 14 since Tristen, my son passed away. Like I have done every October, I find myself reflecting back on the events of October 1995, as I anticipate Tristen's birthday on October 27th.

I wonder where my feelings will take me this time, and I look forward to honoring his memory on this day.

It has been 14 years, and I realize that I still continue to imagine what he may have looked like, and what he would have been like, had he lived.

This year feels so very different than the others. I feel as if I am remembering grief more emotionally and intensely than I have in the last few years.

This year, I find myself in the midst of a separation from someone who I always believed was my life partner, my soul mate. I never imagined that this person, could ever betray me, or hurt me the way I have felt hurt and betrayed by the experiences of this last year, and by what I imagine this person has done to me, and continues to do.

I feel lost, and alone, and once again, I am remembering grief.

As I learn to accept my feelings, and find my thoughts going to "maybe I never really knew this man at all", these thoughts have me working through yet another emotional roller coaster, and I recognize once again how I am remembering grief, and feeling those same emotions, that took control of me 14 years ago, once again take me and engulf me with tears of sadness, and yes Fear.

I am aware that I am grieving the death of my marriage as I wanted it to be, and as I dreamed it should be.

This brings up a deep sense of grief, which at times feels unbearable.

I feel as if I'm remembering grief, but the truth is, I'm not remembering at all, I am experiencing the feelings of loss, which I felt when Tristen died, and my biggest fear is that I may shut down, and lose myself again.

This time, I'm afraid, I have no one to support me, or comfort me, or take over when I feel I can't go on. This is the part that makes me feel so lost, and alone, and scares me. I have two beautiful daughters to be strong for, and to lead through all of this.

This is where I know that surrendering and asking the question: "What am I meant to learn from all of this? What is the opportunity for me?" will eventually bring me answers. This is where, I find myself trusting, that as I allow these emotions to surface, and face my fears, about falling asleep, I avoid this resistance.

Some of my thoughts about what the answers may be are: "If there's one thing that feels different, it's that, I feel alone, and this feeling is very uncomfortable for me." I have never really ever have had the opportunity to do this. I get that I am meant to do this alone and this time, I get that I am meant to allow myself to grieve for my loss, rather than suppressing my feelings for the sake of everyone else.

I know enough today, to know, that as I continue remembering grief, I can grieve the loss of what I had thought my life should look like. I'm grieving the loss of my dreams from so long ago.

Grieving the loss of my dreams from my past, brings to surface a future fear about how I may end up living the rest of my life alone, without someone to feel connected to and joined with .

Yes, I want someone to share my thoughts, and my fears with. I want to share my life with someone. I also notice my own attachment to form and outcome. I'm still attached to me dream.

As lonely and lost as I feel at times, I also know that I am a very different person today, because as I continue remembering grief, I can see how all of my experiences have led me here with a very strong and loving purpose.

What I see today, is how I have fought this for so long, and I get that this time I'm meant to surrender, accept and love myself unconditionally for who I am, rather than how I thought others wanted me to be.

Today, I can say I did my very best and as sad at it may appear to be, I no longer need to feel as if I let everyone down, because I wasn't able to keep my family together, in the form and outcome I had pictured, it should be, in memory of Tristen.

Yes, there was a time, I used to believe than anything other than keeping my family together, would somehow mean that Tristen's his short life had been in vain, and that I was not strong enough or good enough to keep us together as a family. This used to make me feel as if I had let him down, I was to blame, and I wasn't deserving.

Remembering grief today,

I see how all of my experiences, both the happy uplifting ones and the unbearable ones, have given me the opportunity to finally love myself unconditionally.

I used to regret that it had to take me 12 years after Tristen’s death to recognize this, and the death of my marriage to really have me work even more diligently towards this love. Today, I get that if it takes my whole life time, to learn my lessons, I am willing to trust and have faith in this process.

Looking back, I remember my intent

I can see how the love of my children, and the loss of Tristen, allowed me to take what felt like a very big leap of faith in the midst of darkness. Surrendering and letting go. I can see, how I worked hard doing everything I could to re parent myself, and to accept responsibility and understand how I create my reality.

I see my decision to go back to school at the age of 47; after feeling my fears, and choosing to follow my passion, and have faith in the process. I surrendered, even though as times It felt as if I had no other choice, and even though at times my reality felt as if my life depended on it.

My life does depend on it. The it is myself, and remembering grief and surrendering my story which at times continues to make me afraid and because my children are my responsibility and because today, I am their best bet. This can feel like a very big load to take on, and yet letting go of past or future and remembering grief, and living in the movement, allows the resistance to life.

Surprisingly what I discovered, with this change of careers is that this has always been something, I've wanted to do, yet my own fears are what really stopped me years earlier.

Reflecting back, I can see how I have and continue to work through many of my biggest fears. Today, I see how I have the support and guidance from my greatest teachers, and from many friends who encourage me, and help me see through the illusions of my story.

I can say that I brought these teachers into my life at exactly the right moments in time. At times we don't recognize our power or inner strengths, and thanks to others who saw my potential, and thanks to others who, appeared as challenges, where the only ones who could wake me up to this reality.

I've completed my Education Assistant program, and I've begun working in this field. What I see is how the Universe continues to work in mysterious ways. At times we are given these progress reports, or kisses on the lips, in funny or interesting sort of ways.

My very first assignment, was one of those reports. I began my first assignment as an Education Assistant at my oldest daughters high school. Not only was she thrilled to have me, her mother working at her high school, I was also given the gift of working with three very unique boys, who where also beginning their school year in grade 9.

What I realized a few days later, while I was very much in my own process of remembering grief, was one of my greatest gifts... My son Tristen, would have been in grade 9, this year.

The opportunity to work with these boys, is something I will never forget, and can never put into words.

Once again I was receiving a progress report, a kiss on the lips, and a special gift from Tristen. In his own was own way and because of my experiences with him, I was being made to see how much I have to offer. Yes through all the confusion of life, and especially at this moment, in my life, I forget. In his own unique way, once again, Tristen reminds me, that love never dies, and that when I may feel as if I have no more to give, this is exactly the time to see that I will always have more than enough love.

Love to share in ways that makes a difference for myself and for others. Happy Birthday Tristen, I love you forever I love you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

Thank you for reading my story of remembering grief, and just one of so many of my greatest gifts, and kisses on the lips!

These are my progress reports which come from surrender, self love, and the Universe.