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Remembering Grief and the gifts from my Experiences

REMEMBERING GRIEF.....

14 years since Tristen, my son passed away, and like I've done every October, I find myself reflecting back on the events of 1995. As I anticipate his birthday, on October 27th, I wonder where my feelings will take me this time.

14 years, and I realize, I still continue to imagine who he would have looked like, or what his personality would have been like.

This year, things feel so very different than the other years. I feel as if I am remembering grief more emotionally than I have in the past few years.

I find myself feeling a deep sense of sadness, as I find myself in the midst of a separation, from someone I had always believed would be my life partner.... my soul mate. I never imagined feeling so betrayed, hurt, and shattered by my experiences of this last year.

I feel so lost, and alone, and so very confused, and once again, I feel as if I am remembering grief.

As I do my best to let go and accept and allow myself to feel my feelings, I notice how my thoughts keep going to "maybe I never really knew this man at all, and maybe I just wanted to think I did. These thoughts have me working through yet another emotional roller coaster of feeling stupid, and naive , and I recognize that I am not remembering grief, but actually beating myself up for loving the best way I knew how. It is these same emotions, that took control of me 14 years ago, and they so want to take over again. I'm afraid of shutting down, and closing up what I finally feel has been reawakened in me. I am grateful to know the difference, as I'm engulfed with tears of sadness, and yes I recognize so much fear.

Today, I am aware, that I am grieving the death of my marriage, and the death of special. This is the death of a dream, and this realization, brings up waves of sadness, which at times, do feel so unbearable.

I feel as if I'm remembering grief, but the truth is, I'm remembering love.

My feelings of loss, after Tristen died, put me to sleep, and my biggest fear today, is that this grief, may close up my heart for good, and I'm afraid that I may lose myself again.

This time, the sadness appears with thoughts of having no one to support me, or comfort me, or take over, when I feel I just can't go on. This is what it feels like to be so alone, and this part makes me feel so very sad.

I do my best to resist these feelings, because I have two beautiful daughters, I need to be strong for. I need to lead them through all of this.

This is when I know that surrendering and asking the question: "What am I meant to learn from all of this? What is the opportunity for me?".....I may not know the answer, and today I trust that eventually my answers will be revealed. This is where, I get to experience this faith and trust, and know that I am safe, and can allow these emotions to surface, so that I can face my fears, and let go of what ever happens. This is how I can avoid my own resistance to feeling my own sadness.

And again, I notice more of thoughts: "What feels so very different today, is that I do feel alone, and it is this feeling which is very uncomfortable for me." I get that I am meant to walk through this alone and this time, I get that I am meant to allow myself this time to grieve, rather than suppressing and resisting my feelings, for the sake of everyone else.

I know enough today, to trust, that as I continue remembering grief, that I am grieving the loss of how I thought my life should be.

Grieving the loss of my dreams , brings to surface a fear of not knowing what the future holds, and how I may end up living the rest of my life alone, without someone to share my life with.

Yes, I want someone to share my thoughts, and my fears with, and I realize, I'm still attached to my dream.

I do feel lonely and lost, and yet I also know that I am a very different person today. I can see, how all of my experiences have led me here, with a very strong and loving purpose.

What I see today, is how I fought this for so long, and I get that this time I'm meant to surrender, accept and remember Love. Loving myself unconditionally, for who I am, rather than how I thought others wanted me to be.

Today, I know I did my very best, and as sad at it may appear, I no longer need to feel as if I let everyone down. I can't change anyone else, and although I feel as if I did it wrong, because, I wasn't able to keep my family together, in memory of Tristen, I know .

Yes, there was a time, I used to believe that I needed to keep us together because anything other than that would have meant that I had failed Tristen. It would have meant that I was not strong enough or good enough to hold us together as a family. This used to make me feel as if I was to blame, and as if I wasn't deserving.

Today,

I see all of my experiences; the happy and the unbearable ones, as my opportunity to love myself unconditionally.

I used to regret, that it had to take 12 years after Tristen’s death, and now the death of my marriage, to lead me to self love. And yet, today, I trust and have faith, in this process.

Looking back, I remember my intent

I can see how the love of my children, and the loss of Tristen, allowed me to take what felt like a very big leap of faith in the midst of darkness. Surrendering and letting go. I can see, how I worked hard doing everything I could to re parent myself, and to accept responsibility and understand how I create my reality.

I see my decision to go back to school at the age of 47; after feeling my fears, and choosing to follow my passion, and have faith in the process. I surrendered, even though as times It felt as if I had no other choice, and even though at times my reality felt as if my life depended on it.

My life does depend on it. The it is myself, and remembering grief and surrendering my story which at times continues to make me afraid and because my children are my responsibility and because today, I am their best bet. This can feel like a very big load to take on, and yet letting go of past or future and remembering grief, and living in the movement, allows the resistance to life.

Surprisingly what I discovered, with this change of careers is that this has always been something, I've wanted to do, yet my own fears are what really stopped me years earlier.

Reflecting back, I can see how I have and continue to work through many of my biggest fears. Today, I see how I have the support and guidance from my greatest teachers, and from many friends who encourage me, and help me see through the illusions of my story.

I can say that I brought these teachers into my life at exactly the right moments in time. At times we don't recognize our power or inner strengths, and thanks to others who saw my potential, and thanks to others who, appeared as challenges, where the only ones who could wake me up to this reality.

I've completed my Education Assistant program, and I've begun working in this field. What I see is how the Universe continues to work in mysterious ways. At times we are given these progress reports, or kisses on the lips, in funny or interesting sort of ways.

My very first assignment, was one of those reports. I began my first assignment as an Education Assistant at my oldest daughters high school. Not only was she thrilled to have me, her mother working at her high school, I was also given the gift of working with three very unique boys, who where also beginning their school year in grade 9.

What I realized a few days later, while I was very much in my own process of remembering grief, was one of my greatest gifts... My son Tristen, would have been in grade 9, this year.

The opportunity to work with these boys, is something I will never forget, and can never put into words.

Once again I was receiving a progress report, a kiss on the lips, and a special gift from Tristen. In his own was own way and because of my experiences with him, I was being made to see how much I have to offer. Yes through all the confusion of life, and especially at this moment, in my life, I forget. In his own unique way, once again, Tristen reminds me, that love never dies, and that when I may feel as if I have no more to give, this is exactly the time to see that I will always have more than enough love.

Love to share in ways that makes a difference for myself and for others. Happy Birthday Tristen, I love you forever I love you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

Thank you for reading my story of remembering grief, and just one of so many of my greatest gifts, and kisses on the lips!

These are my progress reports. They come with surrendering control, and having faith in the power of LOVE.

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SBI!