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Remembering Grief and the gifts from Our Personal ExperiencesREMEMBERING GRIEF..... It has been 14 years now, and like I have done every October, I find myself reflecting back on the events of October 1995, as I anticipate Tristen's birthday on October 27. I wonder where my feelings will take me this time, and I look forward to honoring his memory on this day. Tristen would have been 14 this year, and I realize that that I still continue to imagine what he may have looked like, and what he would have been like, if he had lived. This year seems different than the others. I feel as if I am remembering grief more emotionally that the previous years. This year, I find myself in the midst of a separation from someone I always thought of as my life partner, my soul mate. I never imagined that this person, would ever betray me, or hurt me the way I have felt hurt and betrayed by the experiences of what I imagine this person has done to me. I feel lost, and I am remembering grief.As I learn to accept that maybe I never really knew him at all, these thoughts have me working through yet another emotional roller coaster, and I recognize once again I am remembering grief, and feeling those same emotions that took control of me 14 years ago, once again take me and engulf me with tears of sadness, and yes Fear. I am aware that I am grieving the death of my marriage as I wanted it to be, and as I dreamed it should be. This brings up a deep sense of grief, which at times feels unbearable. I feel as if I'm remembering grief, but the truth is, I'm not remembering at all, I am experiencing the feelings of loss, which I felt when Tristen died, except this time, I have no one to support me, or comfort me. This is the part that makes me feel so lost, and alone.This is where I know that surrendering and asking the question: "What am I meant to learn from all of this? What is the opportunity for me?" will eventually bring me answers. Some of my thoughts about what the answers may be are: "If there's one thing that feels different, it's that, I feel alone, and this feeling is very uncomfortable for me." I get that I am meant to do this alone and this time, I get that I am meant to allow myself to grieve for my loss, rather than suppressing my feelings for the sake of everyone else. I know that I continue remembering grief, I can grieve the loss of what I had thought my life should look like, and I know I am grieving the loss of my dreams. I also know, that I fear living the rest of my life alone, without someone to feel connected with, or joined. Yes, I want someone to share my thoughts, and my fears with.I also understand that as lonely and lost as I feel at times, I also know that I am a very different person today, because as I continue remembering grief, I can see how all of my experiences have led me here with a very strong and loving purpose. What I see is how I have fought this for so long, and I get that this time I'm meant to accept and love myself unconditionally for who I am, rather than how I thought others wanted me to be. Today, I can say I did my very best and as sad at it may appear to be, I no longer need to feel as if I need to keep my family together, in memory of Tristen. Yes, there was a time, I used to believe than anything other than that would somehow mean that his short life had been in vain, and that I was not strong enough or good enough to keep us together as a family. This used to make me feel as if I had let him down.Remembering grief today, I see how if it were not for all of my experiences, both the good ones and the bad ones, I would not have had the opportunity to finally love myself unconditionally. Whether it has taken me 12 years after Tristen’s death to recognize this or whether it had taken my whole life time. I now can say I I can see how the love of my children, allowed me to take what felt like a very big leap of faith in the midst of darkness. I worked hard doing everything I could to re parent myself, and to accept responsibility and understand how I created my reality.I made a decision to go back to school at 47; after choosing to follow my passion. At times I felt as if I had no other choice, and my reality felt as if my life depended on it. In reality our life does depend on it, and in reality I was afraid. Surprisingly what I discovered, was that this change of careers was something I had always wanted to do, yet my own fears had stopped me. Reflecting back, I see how I have and continue to work through many of my biggest fears. I also see how I had the support and guidance from my greatest teachers, and friends who encouraged me, and helped me see through the illusions of my story. I brought those teachers into my life at exactly the right moments. Yes at times we don't recognize our own power and inner strengths, and it was thanks to others who saw my potential. I've completed my Education Assistant program and I've begun in this field. What I see is how the Universe works in mysterious ways, and at times we are give progress reports, or a kiss on the cheek, in funny sort of ways. My very first assignment happened to be at a high school where I worked with three unique boys who are in grade 9. I realized a few days later yet another way of remembering grief and one of my greatest gift... Tristen would have been in grade 9 this year, and the opportunity to work with these boys is something I can never describe with words. This was a special gift from Tristen. It was his way of making me see how much I have to offer. Yes through all the confusion of life, and especially at this moment in my life I forget. In his own unique way, once again Tristen reminds me, that love never dies, and that when I may feel as if I have no more to give, it is exactly the time to see that I will always have more than enough love to share in ways that makes a difference for myself and for others. Happy Birthday Tristen, I love you forever I love you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be.Thank you for reading just one of so many of my greatest gifts.
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