The philosophy about behaviour

Philosophy about behavior, comes from very many different theories, and my own has been completely changed thanks to the interpretation of the developmental paradigm as explained by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a Clinical and Developmental psychologist, and Dr. Dan Seigel.

These are the foundations that make the most sense and worth building on when working with children, and understanding the behaviors we all use. I have had the opportunity to witness with my own children, how when I see their behavior differently, I change the way I parent.

I also see how this now applies to my work as an Education Assistant in the school systems. I cringe when I continue to hear people talk about behavior as if it is something children do intentionally, and plan out.

My own personal philosophy is that each child is unique, and in my own work, I want to be able to look at each child and see them, rather than associating who they are based on their behaviors.

The biological perspective, and the basic laws of nature, is where Dr. Neufelds paradigm leads me. I believe that only through understanding this developmental process can we begin to look at our children and understand where they are stuck.

Today, we have never-ending list of challenging behaviors and learning problems which continue to surface. All of these behaviors give us descriptions, symptoms and ways to treat or handle children.

These treatments, and many parenting books today, do not help us make sense of the problem and they do not show us a way through.

The challenge for parents, becomes to make sense of the child from the “inside out”. The challenge for us to to walk the maze that Dr. Neufeld describes in his workshops.

When we can understand a child’s developmental arrest, we stand a much better chance of helping them grow. This arrest creates an immaturity and is the reason for difficulties in learning and behavioral problems.

Immaturity is something to consider, because children do grow older, and may not grow up.

As a parents and teachers, we seem to want step by step ways of handling situations, and yet, these seldom work if they work at all.

Immaturity seems to be brushed off, maybe because it sounds like too much work, and puts the responsibility on us, rather than the child.

Brain research is now able to confirm the truthfulness of developmental sciences and this explanation is becoming more acceptable today. Immaturity or being stuck is at the root of developmental and behavioral conditions, which as very different as they appear to be, all have the same underlying cause, which is singular, simple, and common. Fear is connected to this state of immaturity.

Only as you gain a true understanding, can you create the desired change, and change which creates growth, and self esteem, rather than more fear, and different behavioral out burst.

Many of the methods used today to parent, and teach children, could be contributing to this developmental arrest.

So, how can you restore the process of maturation in children who appear stuck, so that they can reach their full potentiality?

The good news is there is much we can do to help in their growth, and it is never too late as a parent for us to do this.

Maturation is the goal, and as Dr. Neufeld describes it, “the intent is a heart soft enough to be easily moved”. This refers to the feelings it stirs, because it is the feelings, which drive the maturation process. This is what helps the natural developmental process become “unstuck”, and this process moves in stages from attachment to emergence, from work to rest and from single mindedness to complete consciousness. This is the ideal and through this come the core characteristics of the mature: the capability to be a separate being, the strength to go on even when apart from attachments, the resourcefulness in the face of problems, and the ability to recover quickly in the face of hardship and suffering. All of these desirable qualities are neither inherited nor learned. They must emerge and do so out of the attachment. They can take place when there is no fear of vulnerability, because this is when the defenses of the brain are down. These attributes are the potential of every single human being, no matter what label they have attached to them. When a child’s sense of vulnerability becomes too much to bear, it is the brain that instinctively reacts the defenses, and the development of maturation stops. What we see is emptiness where maturation should be. The emptiness may come out in the form of a behavior and it is what we do not see, that tells us what we need to know. When we focus on the behavior, we often miss seeing what is not there: the feelings that should move the child, which is what grows them up. All challenging behaviors therefore, are an immaturity. These children are stuck and our job should be to help them mature to the best of their abilities. In order for us to even begin looking at ways to help; we need to understand that they need to attach to those responsible for them, because the core issue for them is separation. Attachment is one of two most powerful forces to getting the attention of the child. The other is the defense against vulnerability. If the defense against vulnerability is stronger than the force of attachment in any particular situation, even a strong attachment will not be enough. It is nearly impossible to get a stuck child to pay attention when vulnerability is involved, and it is crucial to remember a shortfall in attachment will automatically lead to a shortfall in attention. What we need to understand is that whenever there are behavioral problems involved, separation is always at the root, and the vulnerability of the child is at stake. Dr. Neufeld refers to this as a “vulnerability too much to bear” and his definitions of separation include two basic types of separation problems:• Being unable to hold on to the main attachment figure when they are physically apart. • Insecurity, which is a lack of confidence in the provider or in the proximity provided.

We are all insecure by nature and as we continue to develop, we begin to realize that we can pursue the proximity to another, but we can never be guaranteed that it will last forever; we begin to understand it is out of our hands. Children are not meant to experience this until a time when they are developmentally capable of dealing with this. Intuitively we try to protect them from this truth. On the other hand, we innocently create consequences such as time outs, withdrawing love, telling them they are too much to handle, and reminding them that we may not be around forever, without realizing that this actually reinforces this insecurity, at a time when our intent should be to lessen it. All humans need to feel connected, and unless completely impossible the main attachment should always be to the biological parents because it is through this attachment that the child learns to venture out, and feel safe. Bowlby in his theory of attachment was one of the first to describe this. Dr. Neufeld also talks about the role of “passing the baton” from parents to teachers, and the importance of forming villages of attachments, which will help the children who need it the most. Behavior therefore is a form of communication and it is our responsibility to see what the behavior is showing us. When we learn to see the behavior differently, it softens our own defenses and allows us to find non-threatening ways to support the child. This should change the way we see behaviors of aggression for example. When we realize frustration is moving a child to attack. As we change our focus to the feeling rather than the behavior, and as we realize the child is stuck, we begin to look at ways to bring the child to a place where they can have their feelings about situations. This is necessary before we can effectively stop the behavior of aggression. It then becomes our job to help the child move through the frustration towards his feelings of futility if this is the case and possibly having their tears. Dr. Neufeld refers to this as “tears of futility”. (We should never stop a child from crying, because this is how they adapt and grow). Chances are when a child is defended against vulnerability we will see no tears. When we use consequences as the discipline for the aggressive behavior, we are fueling the aggressive behavior even more, because we failed to see what was beneath. Rather than discipline, finding ways to “come along side”, preserving the relationship, and encouraging the child to come to their feelings, without making it obvious should be our intent. This has to be sincere, and has to come from a place of reality in us or it will not work. It has to be done without further shame and without creating further defensiveness. When a child senses that we are there for them, they are much more likely to listen to us later, when in the framework of a connection with them we can then solicit good intentions to help them handle their frustration or express it in a different way. Only if this relationship is considered safe for the child will this work. In order for this to work at all with a child developmentally arrested, we need to look at attachment, and build this relationship first.Attachment is about the pursuit and the preservation of proximity, and in Latin, it means “nearness” in every possible way. Attachment could be seen as physically, emotionally, behaviorally and psychologically. It is about closeness and connectedness, love and belonging, value and significance, emotional intimacy and psychological intimacy. Attachment is the most essential force in the universe and is what connects the universal principles of all the sciences. Attachment takes priority over all other needs. All of the other needs can be met in this framework. It is the most basic need and drive. As long as a child is immature, they are meant to be influenced and taken care of only by those they are attached to. This attachment will diminish only with maturation, not age. For the immature child the need for a surrounding of attachments should be the main issue in both parenting and teaching. The role of the teacher or parent has social importance, but no developmental importance. It is the child’s attachment that makes the child receptive to being taught and should enable the parent or teacher to execute their roles and responsibilities as social influencers. It makes the following possible: • Arranges hierarchically • Makes the child more endearing and more tolerant to us. • Creates a sense of home and more important is that "stuck" kids need to feel at home just to be able to function. • Creates a compass point out of the one attached to which give the child a sense of identity and value. Because of the attachment, what we think of will have an influence on the child. The attachment is what allows us to influence their sense of identity as well as self-esteem. Unless there is an attachment, no amount of affirmations or reinforces we give, will nurture the child.• Enables us to provide cues for how to be, and what to do. When children are developmentally arrested, they will not have the resources to look to us for this unless they are attached. They will take their cues from whomever they are attached to. We are their BEST BET, because the alternative is peer orientation, which is a major concern these days.• Enables us to transmit our culture to them. Parents and teachers are supposed to be “agents of socialization” (Dr. Neufeld). Yet only through attachment can we pass on language, manners, and forms of expression and so on. “It is not our role as parents or teachers that renders us a model to them, but the relationship of our children to us” (Dr. Neufeld).• Activates the proximity instincts enabling us to keep our children close. As we become their compass point, the attachment instincts are activated to preserve closeness to us. “Educators cannot truly lead unless their students are following”, (Dr. Neufeld).Our job is to work on the attachment and allow the attachment to work for us because this is was brings the desire in children to be good for us. It is the child’s pursuit and preservation of proximity with us, which is the root of their desire to be good, and their attachment instincts generate this desire. This powerful effect of attachment enables us as parents and teacher to act with natural power and authority to gain their cooperation, and count on their respect.No parent or teacher can afford to be without the help that attachment gives. Managing children when attachment is lacking or not there is next to impossible.

The work of Gordon Neufeld encourages us to take charge and reaffirm our intuitive senses with our hearts rather than our heads and in so doing we walk through what he refers to as the maze. It is the maze, which will help us look for ways to help the child.

I do believe what he says is crucial and that this is the most beneficial life lasting and loving way to teach.This common sense approach to motivating children when the motivation is missing may be a challenge. The motivation will come through the relationships of attachment with the intent being to allow maturation.