My Saving Grace

My ongoing desire to write, was also a continuation of my "Saving Grace".

This need to write, and express, was once more being re activated, and I see, how it as always helped me make sense of my whole life, experiences.It's as if things continue to come full circle, exactly as they are meant to be, when we let go of the control. They are the opportunities from our experiences that take us to a deeper understanding of life.

What's different, today, is I'm older, and wiser, for these experiences. Sometimes I fear that they may make me more guarded, and yet what was very difficult to express, or even accept, as few years ago, is now much more acceptable, and less fearful. Rather than feeling off guard, betrayed, and abandoned, I have walked through many of those fears which have led me to a journey of self discovery, which has been like no other journey.

These past experiences have have helped me find my own way to Self Love, and have been my saving grace.

The name for this website, came during one of those moments of despair, darkness, and overwhelming fears. I didn't realize it at the time, yet,I had begun an old process I had used, often in my youth. The process of writing down my thoughts and feelings, and during this particular time, in my life, I was living through years of separation, and years of emotional abuse. The financial control, I began to wake up to, had me feeling betrayed, and I hated myself for having allowed myself continue living in what was an abusive, and dysfunctional relationship.

I wanted this approval, and yet the more I wanted it, and the more I tried to prove myself, to others, the more it would back fire. So, when it came time to name my website, I found myself at a very similar, and familiar roadblock. It was during this moment, of questioning my intent, doubting myself and putting myself down, that I finally heard my saving grace.

It had been years, since I used this little prayer, that Sister Grace, my grade 2 Catechism teacher, first introduced to me and class full of eager, little 7 year old's as we prepared for our first communion.

I remember, her telling us to only use this prayer in times of need. To use it for those times, we felt immense fear, and I'm grateful for having this resource from a very early age instilled in me. I began to use this prayer that day. I had no where else to turn, because my life as I knew it had fallen apart.

My marriage was over, and with no one to trust, I felt degraded, defeated, and humiliated. I felt such a rage towards myself, for having been so naive and foolish. And yes,after years of pushing God aside, I found myself asking God for help.I wanted help to understand my life, and I wanted help to understand and make sense of the last 30 years of my life. I didn't even know what kind of help I wanted, other than I felt I wanted help.

And ever so quietly, for the first time in many years, I heard this voice of wisdom, I hear he voice of my soul, my saving grace.

It startled me, and at first, I brushed it aside as nonsense, and more foolishness, and yet, I had been there before. I recognized this inner sense of knowing, wonder, and faith. This trust, and this connection and knowing that there is more to us, than who we think we are. I've had this feeling, my whole life, yet kept denying and resisting, rather than trusting and accepting.

Somewhere along my journey it became easier to just brush these feelings off as my imagination, and go along with everyone else. I stopped believing in my own intuition, and I stopped hearing my saving grace, probably after the death of Tristen. I was angry at a God that would take away my child, and yet this was the illusion. A God, who I stopped believing in, and who had never left me, once more, proved to me that my prayers, were always being answered in so many loving ways.

The answer was very clear, "Fear Stands In Your Way." Nothing more, and as you love yourself, and remember your own innocence, you give others permission to love themselves and remember their innocence.

I have no form or outcome for how this website, will unfold. What I know is that it has been my saving grace. I choose to see it as one way towards peace, self acceptance, and self love.

My fears, are still the same, and I'm grateful for this sense of awareness and I have a deeps sense of gratitude, for people who have helped me recognize these fears for what they truly are.

There is something very different today. There is the knowledge that comes from understanding how we all protect ourselves from our own vulnerability, and finding this safe place is just a thought away. Learning to accept rather than resist our reality allows us to feel and find our tears, and get ourselves to a place of remembering. I am innocence, and the God, of my own understanding, will always be my saving grace.

Imagine a circle of support created by you, and continue to encourage yourself through those dark and fearful experiences. This encouragement, is a spark of light, and all you need is just a tiny little speck, to help you move through the darkness. Continue doing your best, because in truth, we are all doing our best at every moment in time, with the resources we have at hand.I heard my saving grace, at a time in my story, when I had myself believing, it was too late for me. Today, I no longer believe, anything as strongly because I believe in the power of me. This is the process we call life, and for some it is full of challenges and struggles, while for others it is full of opportunities and inspirations. You can choose to see it anyway you like, yet what would your life look like if you chose to use your energy on your own healing?I choose to stay open, a choose again, knowing that changing the patterns changes the destination. No one can hurt us, unless we allow them to, and it really is a cycle that we pass down from one generation to the next.

I am willing to notice the role I play and am willing to spend the rest of my days, being grateful for the opportunities that are always in my way.

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