My Biggest FearEach and every person has what I call My Biggest FEAR. "For the last 12 years I've lived my life in a state of fear". Today, I am becoming clearer and more understanding of what it means to take responsibility and look within myself to understand why and how I created my reality. I used to believe all of my problems where caused or first began when I lost my son in 1995. This was one of the biggest Wake up Calls I faced, and as a parent the loss of a Child is as big as it gets. Grief can destroy so many dreams and it can bring up so many insecurities, and fears. The name for my website, was a gift from my son. I trusted the process because at some level of consciousness, I knew that because of my FEARS, and because of the most unbearable experience of my life I've lived"My Biggest Fear" for a very important purpose. Going through my own process of very difficult and emotionally painful experiences, I am willing to take the next step, even when I had no idea what the outcome will be. Looking back, I see the change in me beginning, yet I still feet much confusion, and uncertainty and yes doubt. I used to believe I didn't have what it takes, to heal my self. The only reason I said I would be willing was for the sake of my children and I was skeptical because everything else I attempted in my past didn't work, and I didn't believe this would either.Looking back at my life in these first few months, I see how the last twelve years of my life have come and gone and even though I lived through those years the best way I knew how; I felt, I had wasted 12 precious years of my life grieving. I believed it was too late, and I chose to be willing to trust myself because I believed I had no one else to trust. The feelings weren't new, because during my "perceived lost years", I felt this way with every new day, month, and year. I wasn't able to associate the feelings or make sense of them at the time. I see how I had filled my mind with excuses, reasons, and yes hope that things would get better tomorrow. Life would get better tomorrow, and so I waited for this to happen. It never did. At least not the way I had anticipated it would happen.What did happen was life began to snowball, and this snowball began to get bigger and bigger with each new event. The only difference was the emotions and the feelings stayed the same, or deadened. My grief gave room for Blaming, Resentment, Anger, Guilt and Regret. These feelings and emotions were stirred up and were a very real part of my process. They created my biggest fear, and my biggest fear in the process was one I could never speak out loud for fear that I could somehow make it happen by voicing. My biggest fear brought up all of my family of origin issues, and it was easier to just accept this until I began to notice this same fear in my own children. All of these feelings and emotions did lead to periods of Depression, Anxiety, and they have led to a very deep family break up, and family chaos which has affected every single member of my family. It can be so easy to blame grief, and yet, this is not because of the loss or grief at all. The grieving process, usually brings people closer together rather than farther apart. Grief can become the excuse and reason we give. When we begin to look beneath the surface and when we are ready, we begin to accept the truth. It doesn't matter how long it takes for us to face these fears. What I saw then, and didn't understand until I immersed myself in my own work, was that my biggest fear had more to do with myself, and my own family of origin issues and grief helped bring this to the surface so I could heal it. My Biggest Fears are very old and conditionedthey are a part of my own programming, which I am very familiar and accustomed to. My intent for sharing some of my story, is because I want to make clear how we all use excuses. We react a certain way because this is how our mind believes it is keeping us safe, and protected from harm. We all become defended against vulnerability when things are too much to bear. This is natures way of protecting us from more than we can cope with. My biggest fears were with me long before the death of my son. Everything that happens is exactly the way it's meant to be, and as I have been learning and making sense of all this, as I continue working, and healing myself, I see my perceptions begin to change. Yes, Grief gave me an excuse and a mask, and today I see it as my way of survival. Grief created my biggest fear which was also my biggest protection, and now my greatest motivation as I continue to take responsibility for my life. My intent is to do my best in breaking the cycle from being passed down to my own children. This can only happen through me. Society and statistics show that a large percentage of marriages don't survive the death of a child, and again this becomes a good excuse to use when a marriage breaks up. This becomes an excuse. It can take twelve years, it can take a life time and it doesn't matter when you eventually begin to see what you have forgotten .... It starts with you, and it doesn't matter when or where. What matters is that everything is exactly the way it's meant to be, and once you see it for yourself, and absorb and acknowledge your feelings, rather than resisting them you begin to live your life for you. My Biggest Fear is Now My Biggest Motivation Today I see How The Time Is Always Right
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