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Letting Go Of The Story

Growing Yourself Up

Death & Grieving

Speak UP & Stand UP

Discover Your Purpose

Inspirations Are Prayers

Links to Unconditional Love

The Legacy I Leave

The legacy I leave if I suddenly died, struck me off guard several years ago as I was listening to an eulogy at a funeral. I noticed myself answering the question of how my children would remember me if I suddenly died that day.

I didn't like my answers, because I knew the legacy I would be leaving behind, for them would be sheer misery, hell and pain. I never wanted the legacy I leave behind to be something like what I was imagining at that moment, and yet, I knew with every ounce of my being that this would be exactly what I would leave, if I continued living my life the way I was living it.

The person I saw myself as in that moment, was not the person I had wanted to be

The person I saw myself as at that moment, was not the person I had wanted to be. What happened to the way I had imagined my life to be 20 years earlier. What I wanted was to have a family of my own. I wanted children and a loving devoted husband who together we would create the most beautiful loving peaceful home in which to raise our family. I wanted to grow old together with this man, and I wanted nothing more than to be loved, and cherished.

How did everything come crashing down around me? When did it happen? Was it true? Had I become this emotionless, unloving, and cold person? When did I turn into this women who was so full of resentment, rage and anger, that there were times when I would literally destroy and break everything that I could find in front of me?

The Legacy I leave, was not supposed to be this way, and yet this is how things were at that time.

I believed that I should have known better because I knew better

I believed that I should have known better because I knew better. I knew exactly how I felt to have lost my father when I was only 21.I knew exactly how I felt to have lost my mother when I was only 25. If that wasn't enough, I also knew exactly how I felt when I lost my son. Yes, I believed I knew better, and I should have been different because I had experienced the loss of very important people in my life, and I should have learned from my own experiences. All of these personal experiences should have made me more loving, more compassionate, and a much better person. A more compassionate and loving mother and wife.

And yet, I felt completely the opposite. I felt like a failure, and a fake. I would put up a mask, and pretend that everything was perfect.