Grieving a DeathGrieving is a very necessary process when we lose someone. It is also a necessary process when we finally realize that reality is very different than what we had made ourselves believe. The emotions this process brings to the surface are different for everyone, and yet I do believe it brings up feelings of loneliness, isolation and fear to some degree in everyone. The truth is that we don't recognize the fear or insecurities it brings up, because it's a process which can go undetected for a very long time. Many people will say that when someone is grieving, they should avoid making any major decisions because they may not be thinking in a rational way. I believe that when we are grieving we are at our most vulnerable, and this is when we see the truth as it really is. We also see people as they really are, and this may be the time to pay attention, rather than the other way around. My own experiences with death and my own grieving process was the reason I first began this site. The grieving I suppressed during the last 30 years has changed me. Some of these changes I've noticed and other changes have taken a while to recognize and understand. This is all normal, and what I am grateful for is that the extent of how I've changed could have actually killed me had I not noticed when I did. For the longest time, I regretted my experiences. I resented and felt sorry for myself. For the longest time I kept them hidden.Losing my parents many years ago, was a very big wake up call for me. It brought up many feelings of guilt, shame, blame and also anger. These feelings are very normal, and yet I kept them hidden. I never really understood just how normal it was to feeling this way, and only during the last several years have I begun to see how this loss created a feeling of insecurity and a sense of a lost identity. When I lost my parents, I felt as if the two people in my life, who would have loved me unconditionally no matter what, and who would have always been there to pick up the pieces of my life were gone. It wasn't until I became a parent myself, that I realized how unconditional a parents love for their children is meant to be. Only after having my own children did I understand the bond between a parent and their child. What I found was that many people in my life didn't seem to understand what it felt like to be in my early twenties without a home base. What I found is that people thought I was very lucky to be so young, and to be financially set up thanks to my parents. This is what I found most people in my life at that time to be more interested in, rather than this feeling of insecurity along with this feeling of a loss of connection. I learned how to keeps those feelings guarded and I soon realized there was no sense of ever explaining how it really felt because these people in my life had no idea, and I saw them as clueless. In time things became better. Eventually time has a way of helping us heal. However, what I discovered was that no matter how much time goes by, there were always certain events or experiences in my life which would always take me back to my feelings of loss, and my feelings of being alone. If there was ever a time in my life I felt the loss of my parents the most, it would have been during the time that I was told my second pregnancy would end up in the loss of my son Tristen. Tristen was to be my second child, and during the last stages of my pregnancy I was told he would probably not survive until birth. Tristen was born on October 27, 1995, and as traumatic as this experience was, he managed to live until December 24, 1995. Yes, losing my child was an experience I will never forget, and it was also a time I felt the loss of my parents the most. As I reflect back today, I see myself expecting to return to being the person I was before, and yet, I knew that the person I was before was dead and no longer existed. Emotionless is the word that best describes how I felt. I became emotionless, and I would hear so many others talking about how their experiences made them more loving, and more capable of understanding, and I used to wonder "What then had happened to me?"I kept these thoughts private for the most part, because I began to see that when I voiced my true questions and feelings to people in my life who claimed they loved me, I found them using what I had said to make me feel as if something was drastically wrong with me. Yes, the times, when I had the courage to speak up and explain how I was feeling, I would find them using how I felt as an opportunity to call me cold and insensitive, and eventually I must have believed them, because looking back, I now see how this created more fear.It took a long time for me to finally discover for myself this state of emotionless, and feeling dead inside. I knew that my grief, plus the effects of my experiences needed to be looked at one more time. Of course I had changed! Yes it took me a while, however, the loss of my parents as difficult as it was, plus all the baggage I carried for so long was enough to make anyone change. However, losing a child was a death like no other. It finally brought up my biggest fears which was my fear of either losing another child, or even more fearful was the thought of my children losing me.Yes, I did wake up from my own state of fear, and my traumatic experiences exactly when I was meant to. My heart goes out to anyone who may be going through a Loss. The rawness and the heart wrenching emotions that we must go through rather than suppress, at times can seem unbearable. It took me as long as I needed to understand, and today I feel the bond and the connection I have always had with my parents. This bond and connection is what some may see as a inner strength, and what ever you call it, what I know is that this is what has sustained me and helped me go through my experiences. Love is never ending and there is a bond that even death cannot divide. As a parent, I began to understand this bond and having experienced parental grief, I do now understand it even more. When I first wrote this page, it was just over 12 years since the death of my son Tristen. It took this long to recognize the traumatic effects of his death and how his death created a death in me. I used to see this as me being not good enough, strong enough, or worthy enough. Today I understand how it is a defended state against vulnerability, and it is more than acceptable. I no longer feel the need to explain or apologize for my emotions. Nature has a way of taking over and rather than spending my time on my past, I now understand how normal it is to shut down when we are in a flight or fight situation. It is normal for our ego's to take over, and keep us safe until we have the self love to honor and respect ourselves.Through this love comes the inner strength to begin doing our own work, and facing our own fears. I'll never forget those feelings and emotions I felt when I lost Tristen and when I lost my parents. Today I know I would never want to forget, what I worked so hard to remember. Today, I can cherish those memories and feel the emotions, they bring up in me. Choosing to feel them if the need occurs is one of the greatest feelings we can have, because today I understand what is meant by the expression: When one door closes, another one opens.....There is a reason for everything, and everything is exactly the way it is meant to be. Sometimes, we do have to accept that in order to move forward, we have to surrender, and give up something we may have thought of as our security, and our safety net. When things are at their darkest, we can finally see the light if and when we are ready to do so.Feeling the sadness when feelings and emotions over losses arises is something to allow rather than suppress, because with the sadness, comes the tears. What I first noticed, which made me recognize I needed to do something was when I realized I had lost my tears during the last 12 years. The ability to cry, allows the process to move through adaption. When we don't know how to adapt, we continue on the wheel of anger, which leads to frustration and which can lead to more severe situations. I am so grateful for finally recognizing this. Tears are a gift I am finally able to express.
Learning to express your grief, and learning to express how you are feeling, is something to allow rather than suppress. You may need to learn what loving yourself enough looks like, and you may need to learn what accepting yourself may look like. The truth is, that as I learn to love and accept myself, I realize that I wasn't broken in the first place. There is no right or wrong way to grieve Share Your Story, and Trust your intuition...Take the time for yourself. The stages of grieving are meant to be expressed and it is important to be able to find resources or groups to assist you. There are many organizations which deal with specific types of grief. Don't be afraid to share the experiences your grieving brings up for you, and if you don't feel heard, keep looking until you find one that feels right for you.One on one grief counseling is also something I would highly suggest and again remember, if you are feeling like you are not being heard, or understood, look for another counselor. This doesn't mean that the counselor is doing or saying something wrong. All this means is that they are not a fit for you.We all have something of value to offer and a unique way of expressing ourselves. As Human BeingsThe greatest gift we can give each other, is the gift of listening, and being heard. If you know someone who may be grieving, find the time to really listen, and stay out of the story.When we are grieving we are at a most vulnerable place. Always make sure you take care of your vulnerability and respect and cherish yourself. Grieving has no time limitsYes, there are stages to Grieving, and there is no time limit.The time limits are the ones you may be setting on yourself, and then remember it's a good idea to not be concerned about the time. Grieving is something that brings up many different emotions, and it reminds us to move through them, and heal them so that we can remember our own innocence. WE CANNOT HEAL ALONE......WE ARE NEVER ALONE.......
Your Own Story May BE the Answer to Someone Else's Question.Grieving happens when we go through a a divorce, loss of a job, or anything else which you consider a loss.Links you may want to look atGo from Grieving page back to causes of fear page
Check out your past See Carol's Grieflog Resources Share Your Story with Others
We all experience certain times in our lives when we feel all alone, and isolated.
|
