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What Does Financial Abuse Look Like to You.It can be very tempting to see yourself as a victim when this happens, and yet taking responsibility and taking back your own power is how to walk through a situation that appears from outside to be out of our control. 
When relationships fail financial abuse can appear as if it's been planned. If you feel as if you have to account for every thing and if it makes you feel as if you've been pushed up against a wall, and the only choice you have is to push back, and fight with everything you have, it's time to do something very different. Financial abuse, can make you feel humiliating and degrading. It can bring up so many different feelings like shame, guilt, resentment, and most certainly grief. It can look like one person using this false financial sense of power over another. However it looks like to you, I encourage you to see it differently. I believe that to some extent or another, many people have felt taken advantage of financially. I believe than many people feel too ashamed to talk about this subject, and there fore continue living in what feels like a very controlling, and abusive situation. One of the hardest things to accept, when talking about financial abuse, may be not having recognized the signs of finanical or any other types of abuse, which have always been there. They may have gone unnoticed until it felt as if it was too late. What if, rather than seeing it this way, we change this thought to having the signs go unnoticed until it was safe enough to notice? Either way, admitting this can bring up feelings of shame, guilt, and rage. Accepting these feelings, can take a long time. It's hard enough facing this reality, and it can be difficult to find someone to understand and offer solid solutions to begin the road of recovery.For some, dealing with this really can hit hard, and admitting to ourselves that we are dealing with financial abuse, sometimes means we have to hear this and be aware of this plus actually accept this. Once we find ourselves in this situation, finding our way through may take the help of an expert. Finding the way through, takes the ability to begin to see this from a totally new and very different perspective. Financial abuse can look like a form of control, which is very prevelent in our society and leads to many of the domestic violence experienced in many families at this moment.It is one of the most prevalent types of domestic abuse today, with the majority of victims being women and children, and yet it can and does affect everyone involved. There is more to financial abuse, that just the control of money. Financial abuse, has everything to do with our sense of self, sense of deserving, and sense of self love at it's very core. What the opportunity can be for you is to understand what all of this means for you. Understanding what appears to be an extreme and complicated form of domestic abuse is crucial, because, these situations have and do lead to violence, which after the fact, is too late. These situations are actually patterns which are being repeated over and over, and yes, they are passed down to your children. Family violence is an escalating pattern, and the when we experience it as a form of control, and when we understand that financial abuse, is just another one of these forms, we can do something about it.Just like sexual abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse, it is one of the biggest secrets, running the lives of many people today. This is what many people hide, as they continue living their lives in a state of unconsciousness. It can be hidden for a long as it takes, and yet sooner or later the suppression comes up in different ways. Financial abuse is an embarrassing subject to speak up about.One of the reasons so little is known, about financial abuse, is because many people in these situations, are too ashamed to speak up. The ones that do speak up, do so with anger and sometimes a continued sense of wanting revenge. Just notice the words we use when we speak. Either way, behind this behavior are very old feelings of shame, guilt and foolishness. There are very old feelings of abandonment, betrayal and much more. These are the emotions which up and it is important that these feelings and emotions be worked through, because when we don't, we end up reliving these emotions and feelings over and over again. We end up recreating the patterns and we all lose. Maybe, you believe that leaving such a relationship is good enough. However, unless these emotions and feelings are worked through, what you will do is create similar situations in a different relationship. Yes, the experiences may be very different and yet, the opportunity is here and now.The opportunity to to move towards peace, because when we don't work through these experiences and change our perceptions, we can very well suppress them to the point that they erupt from us in anger and revenge. They could also appear in another type of wake up call. For the longest time keeping financial abuse a secret, may be the way you are dealing with your situation. It may be the way you are beginning to come to terms with where you find yourself in your life right now. It can be very difficult to accept that someone you loved, (and still do love), is doing this to you. Telling you not to take this personally I'm sure may be difficult to understand. However, when we look at this from a different perspective, we can see it differently. What would it look like if rather than believing someone was doing this to you, you looked at this situation as someone doing something for you? This doesn't mean you are required to continue living this way. What it means is that looking at it this way, empowers you. What can you do that will free you, and bring you peace of mind? "No one is doing anything to you against your will". It may be impossible to believe this, or admit this right now. Just keep that thought in the back of your mind. If you finally get the courage to tell someone, don't be surprised if the first thing they ask you is "Why did you wait so long? or maybe, you'll find someone who will tell you what a jack ass your partner is. Either way these two types of people will have you looking at yourself. Notice how you find yourself answering such a question. How do you answer such a question? Instinctively, we begin with what we feel are very legitimate answers, such as: I thought he was just wanting my attention... I didn't think he would follow through with his threats....... I didn't want to disrupt the children.....I really thought I could change this situation if I only hung in there. If you found someone who sympathizes with you, what thoughts do you get to reinforce? Yes, he/she is a jack ass and I'm going to make him/her pay for everything he/she's put me through!, I'll show him/her!..... I can go on and on, however as you can see, it's very easy to react. All of these answers or comments are reactions which come from our own thoughts and perceptions. The reaction is the answers we believe we have to give to justify ourselves. Sometimes we don't even notice how we do this. They also come up and do their best to cover up the real feelings, which we also may not even notice right away. Feelings of being foolish and ashamed. We choose our stories to hide the vulnerability we've build a wall around. These are the stories we create, and society accepts and believes to be true. They are all stories that we can all step out of when we understand our own defenses. As we step out of the story, we can step into our power. We can begin to see these situations, as an opportunity for growth, and as an opportunity to begin loving yourself today.One of the greatest things you can do for yourself is don't defend, and don't answer, and yet this takes practice. Just know that what every you do, is exactly the way you are meant to do it. The shock of realizing what is happening at first, is unbelievable. You will need to come to terms with this realization and understand that you may be grieving the loss of your dreams. No one else can do this for you. This will and may be a time of confusing and conflicting emotions. The emotions may seem, at times unbearable, and finding your time to grieve and accept what is, is an important part of this process. You may find your thoughts believing that this is your fault. Chances are, if you have spent years hearing how everything is your fault, and how this would not be happening if you had only done what you were told, realize that this one thought, will keep you doubting yourself. Begin to notice your thoughts. Begin to notice your feelings, and ask yourself when in your past have you ever felt similar feelings. Keep going back to the first time you've felt this way. Once you recognize the similarities between the feelings you are ready to take control. The only way, is to begin to find yourself a life line. Rather than sharing these thoughts with friends, find someone who can help you to take ownership of our own emotions, and begin healing yourself. If you have lived your whole entire life, up until now, having someone repeatedly feeding you these lines. How could you not end up believing it? Yes, it is very normal to see yourself as being too weak, and too naive to notice what was happening. Yes you might even hear yourself saying you are to blame. Notice and begin to understand the difference between blame and responsibility. Blaming yourself is no different than blaming others. This continues to reinforce the same story over and over again. If you recognize or believe that you are a victim of financial abuse, notice your thoughts. What are your thoughts saying? Next, ask yourself the question How can I find the strength to speak up? How can I find the solution and the answers to empower myself? If financial abuse feels like a form of control when have I ever felt this way before? The only way to help yourself, if you, believe you are living with financial abuse, is to be willing to get out of your own way and work with the emotions that this experience is bringing up for you. Yes you may find yourself on a roller coaster of emotions. Allow them to surface, and notice where they take you. I promise you as fearful as this may seem, the opportunities are breathtaking. Your sense of freedom,is a thought in your mind. Freedom comes through you, and no one can ever control you, unless you believe it to be true, and give them than control. As you learn to face your fears, and work through the feelings that come up when you think about not having any money, or security, or no one to come to your rescue to fix this, what you have is this moment, and this moment is perfect. This moment is your opportunity to remember who you are, and your inner strength. As you let go of the stories, the way through become clear and you begin to take control of yourself. This is a process which takes as long as it takes, and finding your feelings and taking the time to be present in this moment is the step to the rest of your life. I would encourage you to find a place to release your anger, and all the other emotions which will surface with someone you trust. Someone who you know that what you share will not be taken personally, or used against you. Rather than choosing friends or family, who do mean well yet, will at times collude, or co-depend, find a life coach or counselor to help you release your own unresolved issues. The way out of any type of abuse, is to begin to see it differently. Rather than suppressing it, take as long as you need to work your way though the emotions and the fears which will come up for you. Life is an up and down good and bad positive and negative experiences. Financial abuse can be one of those experiences. One of those hurdles along the road. Be ready because once you feel as if you've faced one hurdle, the next one will come. What you will begin to notice is that eventually you see these experiences as challenges and opportunities for more growth. You learn to stay in the moment, and experience life. You will work your way through, because as long as you are living you will always have opportunities, no matter what they may be. This is the process and, learning to adapt, and trust ourselves it the greatest gift.The willingness to let go of form and outcome, will begin to help you take control of your life, will love and compassion. Financial abuse can destroy you, or make you the empowering person you are meant to be. The choice is yours.
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