The death a child named Tristen

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The Death a Child creates ...... A poem for Tristen

The death a child creates in their parents has a lasting impact on our lives. Losing Tristen created a death in my soul which for the longest time made me see this experience as anything but a gift. Years later I wondered, could it be a gift if I allowed it to be?

When I said my good byes to Tristen, I had hoped to have found a reason and purpose to all of this. I was hoping to have received such a gift.

You Will Always Be Our Son

Before you were born our heart's were stifled in limbo; not knowing if we would ever get the chance to know you, hold you, love you.

At birth you came out crying; so beautiful was that sound.

You brought new meaning into our home. You've enhanced our understanding of what real strength and love is.

October 27, 1995-December 24, 1995

In the 14 years since Tristen's birth, and death, I think about him daily. The death a child named Tristen created in me couldn't go any deeper than it has. Today, I see how this is a part of me which is meant to be forever, and I am so grateful for experiencing the gifts of Tristen.

Before, I was able to make sense of all of this, there were times I felt as if I'd failed him. I didn't see how the death a child created in me put me into a very deep state of fear. I see today, how this was necessary for my own healing. The type of family I thought we should be after going through such an experience together is very different from what I have today. I wanted to believe that if nothing else, this experience alone, would have kept us close and together after his death. Together I now realize means different things for different people, and I have no business believing that I am responsible for this any longer.

Today, I can see the death a child named Tristen created in me as a gift which has shown me how to love myself unconditionally. As I heal myself, the greatest gift of all, is that I have found myself, and am creating my own sense of peace from within.